The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..