This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
This is a sub tweet
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked