Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
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[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.