Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
sir, my pâté if you please
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.