i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there