STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
You Might Also Like
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.