Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
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I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.