Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Time heals everything 🙂
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
#Thanos #MondayMood
🤣😂
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Good morning.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Grandmother clock.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it