Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.