Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
You Might Also Like
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*mops up wine with cat*
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet