I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
the red hot silly peppers
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.