Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING