age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email