There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.