As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in