My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
They say women only use 10% of their anger
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos