Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
won’t smith
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works