* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My flabber has been gasted.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Just why bro?!
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight