WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.