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my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Kids: Stay in school.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts