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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?