Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*