When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I think about this a lot
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
What do you hear?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay