Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
what are they serving at kfc then???
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.