He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.