Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You Might Also Like
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.