me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?