Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them