Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.