How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.