More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
You Might Also Like
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Day 2 of my diet
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
iPhone X
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.