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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
No regrets in 2018
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss