Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.