“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
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I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water