“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Geez man, take it easy.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.