My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
You Might Also Like
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.