On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me