Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.