If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You Might Also Like
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
The Wolf of Wall Street.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.