Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Kermit goes Blue.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
From Facebook just now…
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont