Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Catering service
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I bet birds love this building.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
A woman drives into a bar.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN