West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Best spoiler warning ever
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
What number SPF blocks people?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you