Air pods looking like an angry frog
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Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”