Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.