No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Damn he played himself
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool