Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe