Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found