I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever