“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“you recording!?”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Hmmmmm
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.