Thrilling chase underway
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Legend 🤣🤣